Ze Inspection

The countdown begins today. Ten days from now, my mother will land in Pune. Her spy has already been to inspect and report my clumsy housekeeping and pathetic cooking skills. The Boss is arriving now to see for herself.

I have been informed in advance that I need to take no special pains to clean the house or beautify it for the visit. Ha! I am supposed to believe that only 25 years of having unconditionally loved me will make Ma approve of my housekeeping?

Naah, this is just a ploy to catch me off guard!

So I am kicking off the preparations today.

Step one: Throw out the cigarettes, the ash trays, the beer bottles and the porn. Oho! I’ll need to procure all this first to be able to throw it out! To much trouble.

Step one (modified): Throw out the Maggi and the Pizza Hut menu card. And after the inspection, get a life.

Step two: Use a rag cloth to eliminate all dust from all surfaces, including the dial of my wristwatch. Do this daily so that it looks like a habit when performed before Ma.

Step three: Bribe someone to set the cupboard in order. Or, for the first time in life, do it myself.

Step four: Train the Bai to pretend that I am very carefully following her wherever she goes around the house, and not reading in the sunlight while she assumes total control over my house.

Step five: Stock my fridge with salad and fruit. Make them look comfortable, like they visit me often.

Step six: Make some mischief. No mother, however wonderful, deserves to be greeted with only thrown-out Maggi packets. Perhaps I should implement Plan B.

Plan B: Convince a friend to put on boyfriend act. Check if Ma really means it when she says “As long as you find someone….” Outcome one would be that she sees the guy and has a heart attack. Outcome two would be that she is very happy, and this makes the guy have a heart attack.

Ok. Abort Plan B.

I’ll just throw the Maggi out and wipe my wristwatch dial and meet her at the airport.