Jaya Jaya Jaya Jaya He!

Addressed a question to everyone in hearing range:

"What is TB called in Hindi?"

Pat came the reply from a Bengali boy:

"Doordaarshan"

Another Beautiful Song Ruined…

…this time from the film Sikandar.

Mohit Chauhan's magical voice sings:

Gulon mein, rang bharey

Baadalon bahaar chaley

Chaley bhi aao ke

Gulshan ka karobaar chaley….

Rubbish

Absurd Hindi Song:

Humein tumse pyaar kitna

Yeh hum nahin jaantey

Magar ji nahin saktey, tumhaarey binaaaaaaa

 

In English:

How much I love you

I do not know

Crocodiles cannot live without you…

 

If you have to hit me, please throw only Bata chappals, without heels, size 7.

April 2

Happy Birthday Mommy!

Pangey!

(good for a hoarding right outside a liposuction and plastic surgery clinic)

Patli kamar…

Tirchhi nazar…

Baanki umar…

I know what you did last summer!

You-Rekha!

Have accidentally hit upon an amazing diet plan, which involves only one visit to a dentist! Just go and get a wisdom tooth pulled out!

Before:

1. See something tasty and fattening
   
2. Eat it
   
3. Become fatter
   

After:

1. See something tasty and fattening
   
2. Eat it
   
3. It will taste nice for a few seconds
   
4. A bit of it will lodge itself in the gap at the back of your mouth
   
5. Your tongue will get sprained trying to maneuver it out
   
6. You will spend ten minutes rinsing
   
7. You will spend five minutes brushing
   
8. At night, the tiny food bit will start hurting your gum
   
9. Bleary eyed, sleep deprived and half-day-pay-lossed from office, you'll visit the dentist the next morning
   
10. You will have to watch a Tamil movie on a mute TV screen in the dentist's waiting room for 45 minutes
    
11. The dentist will spray foul chemicals in your mouth
    
12. Your tastebuds will take two hours to recover from the spray
    
13. You will go back in time and NOT eat the tasty and fattening thing
    
14. You will not grow fatter (unless you have a metabolism like mine)
    

The bone apparently does not grow back for three months after tooth removal, so you can lose a LOT of weight. Repeat cycle for every wisdom tooth, and you never have to exercise again.

 

Zabardast(i) Song: Tummy Bug Takes Bengaluru

Pretty French girl

attached to beep beep machines

in the Emergency Room

at a fancy hospital.

 

MRI shows nothing

except a tummy infection.

She's in pain

and tears.

 

Came to India to get

a taste of

Indian culture.

Now getting

Blood culture,

Urine culture,

Stool culture.

Run! Quick!

Go before someone protects Indian culture!

Yeh Andar Ke Kaale Bandar Ki Baat Hai!

I think I stumbled upon some proof of the universe being designed by a genius today. Was looking at the online resevation chart for this evening's show of Dilli 6, and since the movie is not a hit, most of the theatre was empty. The only seats full were the most coveted ones, and their graphic representation is uncannily similar to innerwear. 

Most multiplexes have a mix of big and small halls, so...

This is conclusive proof that innerwear will pop up in the strangest of places without warning, which is what Poet-Prophet and my personal hero Gulzar probably meant when he wrote: 

Masterji ki aa gayi chitthi 

Chitthi mein se nikli billi 

Kaan mein jhumkaa, naak mein batti 

Haath mein jaise agarbatti 

Agar ho batti kachhua chaap 

Aag pe baitha paani taap 

Taap chadhe to kambal taan 

VIP underwear baniyaan... 

Baaki Dilli 6 had both me and my dude sniffling and wiping our eyes more than once. If only the plot had not been a 10-headed Ravana...

Life In A Metro

By God ki kasam sitting all your life there in Dilli 6 or 60 or wherever your birth and brought up happens to happen, you hardly come to know what nautanki all the Indian languages do with each other! It's like they all sat down together one drunken night and made a pact to marry off one of their harmless words to one of the naughty ones of the other language and watch the fun as their speakers get tossed about in the bhelpuri of modern India!

About a week into my new job in Bangalore, the boys got courageous enough to distract me from my work by pulling my hair. Am really impressed it took them that long, because before this, I have been everyone's kid sister from very early on, and hair and cheek pulling has been a cruel part of making new acquaintances. So there I am, working at my new job in a new city, when yank! my ponytail is attacked. I turn back and ask: "Yes, what do you want?"

"Nothing! Just chumma" says the little boy

I am certain I heard that wrong. "What?"

"Arrey chumma man!"

I want to pack and go home to mommy daddy immediately. Look at the innocence and nonchalance on this guy's face. He's like 7 years younger than me!

Ok. So chumma means JUST LIKE THAT FOR NO PARTICKLER REASON in Malayalam. And of course kiss in Hindi, another (horrific) word for it being bosa, of which the plural is bosay, which is how all the security guards in London hostels like to pronounce the Bengali surname Bose, which is so obviously another story that I dunno how I got into it.

Back to work then. Over the years, have grown used to the inordinate amounts of Malayalam that flies about the office, and wait patiently for my turn to speak before informing whoever is talking to me in that superfast language that I did not get any of what they just said. Makes me mad at times, but then these lovely souls make up for that by proclaiming every now and then: "We are mal. We are proud to be mal."

"Oh yes! That you are," I say. "Top quality mal" (for the uninititated, mal (say mull) in Hindi is, umm… poo)

Nehavish once told me the story of her flabbergasted and horrified Tamilian mom's first Delhi encounter with the hindi word "kundi" (latch in Hindi, bum in Tamizh… what did I tell you about the drunken languages?). You should get her to tell it to you, because I distinctly remember laughing till I fell on to the floor of the District Line tube from Blackfriars to East Ham (home of Sakthi store and Sarvana Bhawan) when she told it to me.

Today, one Hindi- and one Tamizh-speaking carpenter is (are? is.) working in my house. As I asked the Hindi speaking guy if I needed to use the kundi each time I close the cupboard, my foot was in my mouth one nanosecond after the words left it.

Aaaaargh! <foot caught in last remaining extraction stitch>

The Obligatory Dentist-Bashing Post

It would be completely out of crackter for me to not write about my visit to the dentist, and my first ever (tang-da-dang) dental surgery. I can't even pretend to hope it's the last, for God knows I have sinned and will pay.

After being scared and reassured by more or less the same number of people, I went into my wisdom tooth removal procedure pooping in my pants, because it really has nothing to do with other people, does it?

On behalf of mom-in-law, I asked the dentist how long he's been practicing, and 8 years of post-grad dentistry seemed just about passable (after all industry mein naye talent ko chance dena chahiye etc).

It did not take the 20 minutes the ex-boss's wife told me it would. It did not take the one hour the dentist had told me it would. It took two godforsaken hours, the anaesthesia ran out in the middle, there was a time when three heads and four hands were inside my mouth looking for a tooth that was completely hidden behind a bone (wisdom is nothing if not deep-set). Meanwhile, I drank a lot of blood and "irrigation", which is probably the original recipe for a Bloody Mary, coz I sure was drunk by the end of it all.

Now two days have passed and all that's left is a cut at the corner of my mouth from the steel clamp holding it open for two hours, loose threads hanging in my mouth from the dentist's shoddy needlework, and the superhuman air-tasting ability of my tongue thanks to Ciplox TZ. Any parents reading this must have fainted or started weeping by now, for which I am very sorry to them. But the part of my wisdom that was sensitive to readers' feelings is lying in five pieces in the dentist's dustbin!

Actually, I'm doing quite well and having a happy day after a long time. :D

Valentine Diwas

After months of nagging from our side, the landlord relented and sent the painters along to paint the house on Valentine's Day of all days. So the morning was spent in the healthy marital discord that acoompanies any self-respecting couple's accomplishment of domestic tasks. The rest of the day was spent sneezing and watching helplessly as the loving landlord's minions painted our humble abode a very very pale shade of pink (Like shy is coming for lily to see roses kissing in neighbourhood flowerbed. Yeggzackly. Pls wipe your throwup yourself.) 

The shooing off of painters was celebrated with rooftop Punju dinner on Church Street, and exchange of gifts (I replaced his deodorant which I had finished, and he got me gazillions of good bacteria that will prevent my antibiotics from killing me. We're leaving the dentist to do that on Monday.) 

Whatever else you say about our V-day, the Sri Ram Sene would approve of it I am sure!

Verdict: Wait For The D(e)VD

Are you too old, or too jaded when Dev D does not scandalize/impress/provoke/amaze you?

When we were kids, we had this stupid joke where we'd form a snake's head with our hand, twist our arm in a zigzag serpentine motion and ask the other person: "what is this?" and the other person would invariably say "a snake". Then we'd make the snake hand and dart it straight ahead zupp! and ask "and what is this?"… the pathetic answer was "a drunken snake!"

Why am I blabbering about this? Because after 4 days of 1500mg cocktail antibiotics, I am seeing the real world pretty much as Dev Bhaiyya on his chosen drugs, so all those psychedelic scenes and pretty much the whole movie seemed pretty much straightforward and simplistic to me.

No seriously, even the riddickulous Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi had its moment of glory with drunken Raj/Suri's little chat with the mannequin. Where was Dev D's moment of greatness?

*Spoiler Warning: Where did Paro's inner life disappear? How's Dev gonna stay out of prison beyond the happily ever after type credits? And random references to real Delhi events? Very tacky! Gimme Oye Lucky any day!

*End Spoiler Warning

P.S.: The husband wanted more footage for the dog. Probably an hour or so more. Which dog? Don't ask!

P.P.S.: It's not that the movie sent me home with nothing to think about. I'm very interested in a sociological observation of whether Abhay Deol can bring the unwaxed male torso back into Bollywood!

:)

Have been unable to sleep for the last two nights because of severe pain, and this morning I was informed that my lower left gum is in labour and baby Wisdom Tooth will need a C-section. Now you normally expect a dentist to deliver this kind of news, but this being Bangalore, and it being a Sunday, not a single dentist is at work, even in hospitals! I was running from pillar to post with only a monstrously swollen and menacingly colourful-looking gum, but how about a kid who gets all his pearly whites knocked out by a sibling over who gets the TV remote on Sunday morning? And how about busy corporate types who can attend to niggling tooth problems only on their day off? Why is the most profitable-for-business day chosen for work-life-balance-management by Bangalore dentists?? It's crazy!

Anyway, the doctor who finally told me that the "gum ka baadal" over my last molar is not infected and is just due to wisdom tooth volcanic activity was a teenager-on-emergency-duty at a 5-star hospital. They gave me a nice bed, stuck a thermometer in my armpit (below normal) and even took my BP (normal) and asked me about my profession as part of emergency room courtesy. What left me smiling, despite the physical challenge posed by the gum, was the doctor's indecipherable signature: he was either A.K.Ram or Akram.

Hooray! Irresistible Valentines Day Offer!

ATTENTION MARRIED COUPLES FROM BANGALORE

Sri Ram Sene (association of the patients of Madhuri's husband Sri Ram Nene) is going to catch dating couples in Bangalore on Valentine's Day and forcibly marry them off (using a stub of turmeric, according to the Times Of India), and then, and this is the best bit, they will take the couples to the sub-registrar's office and register their wedding!

So if you've been putting off marriage registration for lack of time, no permanent address proof, fear of being discriminated against for not knowing Kannada, and not being able to afford bribes in recession time, this is your chance! A 100-rupee meal for two at McDonalds with your feet locked under the table and one had locked over the table while you tear open the unopen-able ketchup packets with the other hand and your remaining teeth: that's all you need to get caught and married legally.

Tip: Leave all evidence of already being married at home, and try to look at each other lovingly. And don't fight over the fries; not only are they bad for health, but that will totally give you away!

Mummy Knows Best

Conversation between Mom and Inky about something Inky has been doing half-heartedly for some time now.

Inky: But there is no point living day to day like this

Mom: Exactly! You should be living for the moment!

In breaking news, Amitabh Bachchan's driver has been nominated for next year's Padma Shree, making Abhishek the only member of the household without one. We bet Aishwariya is secretly glad she has a tree as a backup husband.

Breaking News: Canny Cafeteria Contractor Is New CEO of Tech Firm

Chennai: Employees of Daawadol Corp were taken aback with morning when they were served their daily idly-sambhar breakfast by their CEO Swaminathan Reddy. That it was not token gesture at restoring the dignity of labour was evident when long-time caterer Sushil Prasad was seen sitting in the CEO's chair in his cabin all day.

This drastic upheaval was caused, believe it or not, by a spoonful of chilli pickle. Reddy, who is a regular at the cafeteria, always took an extra spoonful of the aforementioned pickle with his lunch thali, a privilege that Daadwadol Corp assures us is available to all employees without discrimination. However, last Monday, Sushil Prasad noticed that not only did Reddy not ask for the extra pickle, but did not consume the standard issue dosage either. Suspecting that something was wrong, Sushil immediately checked with the cleaning staff if Mr Reddy had made more than his usual visits to the restroom. Having confirmed that the pickle avoidance was not due to indigestion, Sushil talked to Reddy's driver Navneet Singh "Rikky", who confirmed that there had been no angry exchanges in the Reddy household that morning, and in fact Mr Reddy had been most cheerful when he got into the car. Soon after, he had received a call, where an angry voice has very loudly abused him and his female relatives in Punjabi, and Mr Reddy had responded only with polite "sorry, sorry…I will try my best". Rikky had offered to respond to the caller, but Reddy snapped back at him and asked him to look ahead and not drive over any more cow tails for the day.

Sushil then put two and two together, and figured that the angry caller was none other than Mr Bhatia, the Sikh gentleman who had lunch with Mr Reddy in the cafeteria last month. Sushil remembered Bhatia's remark of "oye yaar, roti shoti nahin banaatey? Main yeh beemaron waaley dahi chawaal nahin kha sakta". He had heard from the office boy that apart from roti shoti, Mr Bhatia had demanded lassi shassi during the long meeting, where there had been a lot of talk about some internal audit, which the office boy was sure was the short form of Indian Idol audition.

Sushil had then put four and four together, and from there it was a simple case of short-selling large volumes of Daawadol stocks, and sitting quiet till the company drowned of its own accord. When Mr Reddy was ready to hang himself from the airconditioner in his cabin, Sushil offered to buy him out with his own money, and even offered him a job in the cafeteria. The rest is history.

While Mr Reddy learns the ropes of serving 20 very sadistic ex-direct reports with the exact amount of chilli pickle all at once, Sushil Prasad talks to us in his cabin over lunch his wife has prepared for him. He remarks that while other caterers spend their time observing the botched up flirtation rituals of techies in their cafeterias, he had spent his time picking up the basics of trading, which is what many employees seemed to do all day.

With his deep understanding of every employee's true self, something that can only be gleaned from across a cash counter and not across a CEO's desk, Sushil Prasad plans to revamp the company into a lean, mean organization. As the ex-CFO and current office boy brings in two glasses of lassi, we raise a buttered toast to the bright future of Daawadol.

Breaking News*: Employee Finds Promotion Letter In Junk Mail

Hyderabad: Life has taken a new turn for Suresh Kumar LKP, an IT professional in the city. Unlike most of his peers, he has something to be happy about at work in these troubled times.

In a desperate attempt to look busy at work, Kumar has been manually reading and deleting each piece of junk mail in his inbox since last week. This activity is being carried on in almost every cubicle ever since research revealed that Outlook had a 5% edge over Excel as the most important-looking thing you can have open during a surprise check.

However, this afternoon, in the pile of subscription offers to the Economist and the mouse-not-working complaints directed to the OTHER Suresh Kumar (LPK) but inevitably marked to him, Kumar discovered an email from Human Resources, informing him that effective September last year, he has been promoted to Level 67.35 from the earlier 66.87, which translates into a 3% salary hike and an increased conveyance allowance of Rs 400 per month. Kumar says he had completely forgotten that his office went paperless a few months ago, and when his boss had walked over to his desk last September to say "Hope you are happy now", he had assumed it was a reference to the boss having resigned just minutes ago.

Kumar is in talks with Payroll to find out why the hike is not showing up in his monthly paycheck, and is now likely to get a bulk arrears payout, which will reduce his travel time to office by 15 minutes daily, since he will no longer have to take the long route to avoid the grocery shop where he has three months of unpaid bills.

Kumar also discovered a letter of dismissal dated October, but was relieved to find that it was meant for the OTHER Suresh Kumar, who has been fired for stealing the screens of laptops he was supposed to repair, and replacing them with cardboard dummies that had printouts of Microsoft Outlook screenshots stuck over them. His criminal career of 3 years is believed to have been brought to light by a new hire, one of the few to land a job in the company despite having no MBA degree.

*Harassed readers are assured that news will stop breaking as soon as this reporter finds something better to do.

Breaking News: Man Eats Shoe By Mistake

Bangalore: A 30-something IT professional accidentally ate a shoe for lunch today. He noticed this mistake shortly afterwards, when colleagues pointed out that a shoelace was sticking out of the corner of his mouth.

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, had suffered a recent attack of food poisoning. Friends and family say that his wife had been cooking bland food for him day and night, which is probably why the shoe tasted so normal. The wife, who is not only an incompetent cook but also quite careless, heard of the incident and lamented the fact that oil-free aloo rotis were rotting in her shoe rack this very moment.

Colleagues offered to rush the techie to a hospital and have the shoe removed, but he refused the procedure, saying the shoe had been tastier and more filling than the aloo rotis, and being one of a well-worn pair, it was likely to pose no threat to his delicate digestive system. In fact, he said he was not above contemplating having the other shoe for dinner.

In other news, Indigo Airlines have set a new record by making a flight depart at 10:10 hours despite having informed all passengers that the revised departure time was 10:50. Other airlines have criticized this move as a breach of solidarity, saying that blaming passengers for late departures was an important card up their sleeve, and only so many late departures can be blamed on the late arrival of the incoming aircraft.

 

Because wendigo wants a new post

Posting from BIAL: the voluntary and paid hostage programme of holidaymakers trying to fly out of looru. Flight delayed by forty minutes only, and we were informed by SMS when our phones were being scanned by security. Pardon the extreme annoyance. Hope to get there before it's time to head back. Have a happy long weekend.