January 30, 2009

Mummy Knows Best

Conversation between Mom and Inky about something Inky has been doing half-heartedly for some time now.

Inky: But there is no point living day to day like this

Mom: Exactly! You should be living for the moment!

In breaking news, Amitabh Bachchan's driver has been nominated for next year's Padma Shree, making Abhishek the only member of the household without one. We bet Aishwariya is secretly glad she has a tree as a backup husband.

January 28, 2009

Breaking News: Canny Cafeteria Contractor Is New CEO of Tech Firm

Chennai: Employees of Daawadol Corp were taken aback with morning when they were served their daily idly-sambhar breakfast by their CEO Swaminathan Reddy. That it was not token gesture at restoring the dignity of labour was evident when long-time caterer Sushil Prasad was seen sitting in the CEO's chair in his cabin all day.

This drastic upheaval was caused, believe it or not, by a spoonful of chilli pickle. Reddy, who is a regular at the cafeteria, always took an extra spoonful of the aforementioned pickle with his lunch thali, a privilege that Daadwadol Corp assures us is available to all employees without discrimination. However, last Monday, Sushil Prasad noticed that not only did Reddy not ask for the extra pickle, but did not consume the standard issue dosage either. Suspecting that something was wrong, Sushil immediately checked with the cleaning staff if Mr Reddy had made more than his usual visits to the restroom. Having confirmed that the pickle avoidance was not due to indigestion, Sushil talked to Reddy's driver Navneet Singh "Rikky", who confirmed that there had been no angry exchanges in the Reddy household that morning, and in fact Mr Reddy had been most cheerful when he got into the car. Soon after, he had received a call, where an angry voice has very loudly abused him and his female relatives in Punjabi, and Mr Reddy had responded only with polite "sorry, sorry…I will try my best". Rikky had offered to respond to the caller, but Reddy snapped back at him and asked him to look ahead and not drive over any more cow tails for the day.

Sushil then put two and two together, and figured that the angry caller was none other than Mr Bhatia, the Sikh gentleman who had lunch with Mr Reddy in the cafeteria last month. Sushil remembered Bhatia's remark of "oye yaar, roti shoti nahin banaatey? Main yeh beemaron waaley dahi chawaal nahin kha sakta". He had heard from the office boy that apart from roti shoti, Mr Bhatia had demanded lassi shassi during the long meeting, where there had been a lot of talk about some internal audit, which the office boy was sure was the short form of Indian Idol audition.

Sushil had then put four and four together, and from there it was a simple case of short-selling large volumes of Daawadol stocks, and sitting quiet till the company drowned of its own accord. When Mr Reddy was ready to hang himself from the airconditioner in his cabin, Sushil offered to buy him out with his own money, and even offered him a job in the cafeteria. The rest is history.

While Mr Reddy learns the ropes of serving 20 very sadistic ex-direct reports with the exact amount of chilli pickle all at once, Sushil Prasad talks to us in his cabin over lunch his wife has prepared for him. He remarks that while other caterers spend their time observing the botched up flirtation rituals of techies in their cafeterias, he had spent his time picking up the basics of trading, which is what many employees seemed to do all day.

With his deep understanding of every employee's true self, something that can only be gleaned from across a cash counter and not across a CEO's desk, Sushil Prasad plans to revamp the company into a lean, mean organization. As the ex-CFO and current office boy brings in two glasses of lassi, we raise a buttered toast to the bright future of Daawadol.

January 27, 2009

Breaking News*: Employee Finds Promotion Letter In Junk Mail

Hyderabad: Life has taken a new turn for Suresh Kumar LKP, an IT professional in the city. Unlike most of his peers, he has something to be happy about at work in these troubled times.

In a desperate attempt to look busy at work, Kumar has been manually reading and deleting each piece of junk mail in his inbox since last week. This activity is being carried on in almost every cubicle ever since research revealed that Outlook had a 5% edge over Excel as the most important-looking thing you can have open during a surprise check.

However, this afternoon, in the pile of subscription offers to the Economist and the mouse-not-working complaints directed to the OTHER Suresh Kumar (LPK) but inevitably marked to him, Kumar discovered an email from Human Resources, informing him that effective September last year, he has been promoted to Level 67.35 from the earlier 66.87, which translates into a 3% salary hike and an increased conveyance allowance of Rs 400 per month. Kumar says he had completely forgotten that his office went paperless a few months ago, and when his boss had walked over to his desk last September to say "Hope you are happy now", he had assumed it was a reference to the boss having resigned just minutes ago.

Kumar is in talks with Payroll to find out why the hike is not showing up in his monthly paycheck, and is now likely to get a bulk arrears payout, which will reduce his travel time to office by 15 minutes daily, since he will no longer have to take the long route to avoid the grocery shop where he has three months of unpaid bills.

Kumar also discovered a letter of dismissal dated October, but was relieved to find that it was meant for the OTHER Suresh Kumar, who has been fired for stealing the screens of laptops he was supposed to repair, and replacing them with cardboard dummies that had printouts of Microsoft Outlook screenshots stuck over them. His criminal career of 3 years is believed to have been brought to light by a new hire, one of the few to land a job in the company despite having no MBA degree.

*Harassed readers are assured that news will stop breaking as soon as this reporter finds something better to do.

Breaking News: Man Eats Shoe By Mistake

Bangalore: A 30-something IT professional accidentally ate a shoe for lunch today. He noticed this mistake shortly afterwards, when colleagues pointed out that a shoelace was sticking out of the corner of his mouth.

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, had suffered a recent attack of food poisoning. Friends and family say that his wife had been cooking bland food for him day and night, which is probably why the shoe tasted so normal. The wife, who is not only an incompetent cook but also quite careless, heard of the incident and lamented the fact that oil-free aloo rotis were rotting in her shoe rack this very moment.

Colleagues offered to rush the techie to a hospital and have the shoe removed, but he refused the procedure, saying the shoe had been tastier and more filling than the aloo rotis, and being one of a well-worn pair, it was likely to pose no threat to his delicate digestive system. In fact, he said he was not above contemplating having the other shoe for dinner.

In other news, Indigo Airlines have set a new record by making a flight depart at 10:10 hours despite having informed all passengers that the revised departure time was 10:50. Other airlines have criticized this move as a breach of solidarity, saying that blaming passengers for late departures was an important card up their sleeve, and only so many late departures can be blamed on the late arrival of the incoming aircraft.


January 23, 2009

Because wendigo wants a new post

Posting from BIAL: the voluntary and paid hostage programme of holidaymakers trying to fly out of looru. Flight delayed by forty minutes only, and we were informed by SMS when our phones were being scanned by security. Pardon the extreme annoyance. Hope to get there before it's time to head back. Have a happy long weekend.

January 19, 2009


Is it just me or have Javed Akhtar, Shankar, Ehsaan and Loy really taken Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna ka Mitwa, run it through a blender, and served it to Zoya beti in Luck By Chance as O Rahi Re?


January 18, 2009



If you know of any writing/editing/instructional design type work that needs doing part time/full time, please drop me a line.

Will be much appreciated.

January 16, 2009

Slumdog Millionaire Gangsta Blues Lyrics

Have tried to figure out as much as I could, large sections remain a total mystery!


Gangsta blues

Am I yeah..am I yo?

Am I great? Am I doh

Am I high? Am I sure?

(I suspect this is my brain cooking up words where only sounds exist)

Etc. (This is beyond me)

Do you hear me? Do you care?

Do you see me? Do you stare?

Gotta find me like the shadow in the dark…..

Don't stare!

Gangsta Blues!

Do you hear me? Do you care?

Do you see me? Do you dare?

Coming for me?/Come and find me? like the shadow in the dark…..

Don't stare!


Hey! Out of line, out of time, out of mind,

Hey! Out of line, out of time, out of mind,

Me no care, me no wanna wanna care

Me no dare me no wanna wanna stare

Don't care

Don't stare!

You think you no really care what people say

You say you no really care what people do

You say you no really care what people think

You say you no really care

Another time, Another place, ?????, turn off the bass


Please correct/add/modify. I HOPE the lyrics are in the CD insert, I STILL CANNOT buy a copy in Bangalore! Aaaargh!

January 10, 2009

The Profitability Of Being Earnest

I went to watch Evam's performance of Wilde's The Importance Of Being Earnest yesterday. The play is really special to me: the last act was in my Class X English book and I was amazed at how incredibly funny writing could be! I discovered a four-play Wilde anthology at home, and read it one night. That was the fateful night right before my Class XII Physics board exam! While the rest of the world revised formulae, learnt answers by heart, and puked their guts out from the tension, I read Wilde for hours that night. Looking back 12 years later, I should have read Shaw before Chemistry, instead of revising equations, learning answers by heart, and puking my guts out.

Back to Evam and Earnest: it was a hastily put-together performance where most people messed up their lines more than once. The costumes were so bad that it was unbelievable, and the set design and arrangement was noticeable in a play for the first time ever for its utter miserableness. That apart, Wilde is impossible to go completely wrong with, so there were quite a few laughs, and overall, I'd probably do this all over again instead of watching Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, or the trailer of Ghajini.

The clearest memory I bring back from the play is Evam's announcement that their annual turnover has touched Rs 1.5 crore. With 300 of us in the audience having paid a Rs 200 per ticket, this figure seemed quite plausible, although it's remarkable in every way! Sunil and Karthik, the founders of Evam, are MICA grads whom I've seen performing on stage during my short stint at the school. Instead of taking up regular "jobs" after getting their management degrees, they've transformed the penniless jhola-kurta actor-director's trope into a well-marketed and very profitable business. Everyone is young, everyone wears black T-shirts, and they offer to do corporate theatre training/events and even sell merchandise. The audience comprises teeny boppers when Evam is performing (which also means that the number of Kanjeevarams diminishes radically, much to my sorrow), and you can see that if it's marketed right, theatre can find its feet, its audience and its place under the sun. If only the play had been worth it, I'd probably have invested another 200 bucks into their Monty Python act later this week. Which is saying a lot, since 200 is definitely a shocker for an NSD-phile who's used to paying 50 bucks, and a certified cheapskate who managed to find a 100 rupee multiplex ticket in Bangalore in the first week for Ghajini (if darling Aamir's going to lobotomize me, I'm not going to pay 300 bucks to have it done!)

Evam, probably, will get better at producing quality entertainment if they know what's best for them in the long run. Meanwhile, do read Wilde if you have exams coming up. What ARE you going to do with degrees and great marks anyway????

January 06, 2009

The Treadmill Test

Was there a Tuesday this week? Are you sure?

Did molten Monday not ooze into Wednesday's core?

Each day is so (un)remarkably the same

When your visiting card has just a name…

Update: The Jugal-banda!!!

January 02, 2009

Deactiving in 3...2...1...

Am on long leave from work, and after a long walk, housework, cooking and a hot bath, I feel drowsy in a lazy dog kind of way every afternoon. However, a nap remains a dream, as all the 20 kids who live in my building have Christmas break at school, and are spending their time not in front of the TV like good kids should (powercuts) but playing in the stairwell and the parking lot. Their favorite game is what I think must be called Banshee Banshee, which involves running up and down screaming at the top of their voices for no apparent reason.
Their other form of entertainment is ringing the bell of the haunted house in our building: the one that's shut almost all the time, emits no sound, and seems to be possessed by ghosts. Nobody ever seems to visit it. You guessed right. Ten times a day I answer the door too late to catch the evil little imp who would have a very red behind to show mommy if he/she did not run fast enough! Aaaargh!
So I thought someone from God's head office was doing an internship at the Times Of India when I saw this headline:

Alas, it WAS a typo. But think, how nice it would be if kids could be switched to hibernate mode for a couple of hours every day!

Update: They rang the bell today at 4pm, and I got a bad crick in my neck from getting up too suddenly! But later I overheard this conversation as I observed them from the peep hole:
Girl Aged 5: I am SICK of pizza
Boy Aged 3.5: I'm also SICK of pizza
Boy as much older than 2 as I am under it: I am thick of burger!

January 01, 2009

Slumdog Millionaire Jai Ho Lyrics & English Translation


(Music that makes you scratch your head and think of Baazi Lagaa from Guru, 00:28 seconds to be precise)

Jai Ho! ^n

Aaja aaja jind shamiyaane ke taley

Aaja zari waale neele aasmaane ke taley

Jai Ho! ^ n

Ratti ratti sachchi maine jaan gawayi hai

Nach Nach koylon pe raat bitaayi hai

Ankhiyon ki neend maine phoonkon se udaa di

Gin gin taarey maine ungli jalayi hai

Eh Aaja aaja jind shamiyaane ke taley

Aaja zari waale neele aasmaane ke taley

Baila! Baila!
(Dance! Dance!)

Ahora conmigo, tu baila para hoy
(Now with me, you dance for today)

Por nuestro dia de movidas,
(For our day of moves,)

los problemas los que sean
(whatever problems may be)


Baila! Baila!
(Dance! Dance!)

Jai Ho! ^n

Chakh le, haan chakh le, yeh raat shehed hai

Chakh le, haan rakh le,

Dil hai, dil aakhri hadd hai

Kaala kaala kaajal tera

Koi kaala jaadu hai na?

Aaja aaja jind shamiyaane ke taley

Aaja zari waale neele aasmaane ke taley

Jai Ho! ^ n

Kab se haan kab se jo lab pe ruki hai

Keh de, keh de, haan keh de

Ab aankh jhuki hai

Aisi aisi roshan aankhein

Roshan dono heerey (?) hain kya?

Aaja aaja jind shamiyaane ke taley

Aaja zari waale neele aasmaane ke taley

Jai Ho! ^ n

So this is my good deed of the day. The Rahman/Gulzar/Sukhwinder combination delivers again. Was frankly disappointed with Yuvvraaj lyrics; Tu hi to meri dost hai sounds like Gulzar sahib on an exceptionally bad day. Have bugged all the music shops in Bangalore asking them when the SM soundtrack is coming. Apparently it's being imported via a Mr Godot.

Update: Thanks JpnDude for the Spanish section! Below is a loose English translation that murders the original Hindi. Apologies to Gulzar Sahib. Hope to post a link here when I find a good translation online.

Jai Ho =Something between “Hail” and “Hallelujah”

Come, come my Life, under the canopy

Come under the blue brocade sky!

Iota by iota, I have lost my life, in faith

I’ve passed this night dancing on coals

I blew away the sleep that was in my eyes

I counted the stars till my finger burned

Come, come my Life, under the canopy

Come under the blue brocade sky!

Taste it, taste it, this night is honey

Taste it, and keep it,

It’s a heart; the heart is the final limit

You dark black kohl

It’s some black magic, isn’t it?

Come, come my Life, under the canopy

Come under the blue brocade sky!

For how long, how very long

It’s been on your lips

Say it, now say it

The eye is downcast

Such lit up eyes

Are they two lit-up dimaonds(?) ?

Come, come my Life, under the canopy

Come under the blue brocade sky!

This December… Forget Filmmaking…Remember Marketing

In all those stills, he's holding his head wondering HOW the heck he's gonna save SUCH a dabba film with publicity. Apparently, there IS a way to sell anything and everything.

Anyway, have written alternate lyrics for Guzaarish to keep myself busy:

Main Distinction Tu Pass Pass

Par Naukri tere paas paas

Tujhmein aisa kya khaas khaas?

Hai Sifaarish!!!!!!

Just give a call to chachaji

Zindagi jhoom ke hansegi

Moti honge moti raahon mein

Yeah yeah yeah!


I hit the New Year on the head with an iron rod. Hope you fare better!